So I’m supposed be writing a piece on healing mother wounds for some reason but I don’t really feel like writing that so I’m not going to. This may be a dumb idea and if it is oh well it’s not like too many people will read this anyway but I just want to write about the real shit about being a spiritual in this day in age. What it’s like trying to figure out your 20’s and being on your own while also figuring out how to be a cosmic light being. What it’s like to really go through life being aware of what you’re doing. This whole spill could just be my ego talking but you know what? No shame we all have one. I’m just going to express myself.
So I’ve been having a shitty couple of months. One example being my car getting rear ended. Just bad luck type of shit with the worst timing. For my whole life my outlet has been my creativity, specifically writing but I feel so blocked up because I never have time to express myself anymore because of adulting. This is not good for my mental health but I go to bed at like 3am every night then I force myself out of bed at like noon and go do shit I don’t want to do and then go to work. I know that all the people who are over 30 reading this are gonna just be like “that’s life” but what if I don’t want that to be my life. This all pisses me off because as a witch I have experienced first hand the amazing energies that can save us from a life of doom but lately that’s all I feel. I went on vacation but all I could think about was the impending doom of going home to my problems and how broke I was/am.
Everything is a mindset. I also hate being self aware because I know that I have the wrong mindset right now. It just seems that every time I get a slimmer of hope something happens. It all started back in May when my mouth started hurting. Turns out I just needed to get my wisdom teeth removed. No big deal, everything will be back to normal once I get that done. Then after I got that done I was broke, then I paid rent, then the snowball just kept growing.
Now that I’ve spent like 3 paragraphs complaining, I guess I should declare my “plan to fix myself” on the internet. Maybe it will keep me accountable or something. First I need to stop going to bed at 3am. It’s currently 2:58 so I guess I start tomorrow. Next I need to stop waking up at noon, my alarm is set for 10:00 tomorrow morning by the way so wish me luck. I also need to go back to working out because a healthy lifestyle is VERY important to me. Lastly I need to start meditating daily again because that has helped me so much in the past.
So yeah, I’m supposed to be writing about mothering the self or some stupid crap but how am I supposed to write about healing when every day I hurt myself even more. I guess I just have to start small from the ground up. Every small thing has to be treated like an achievement now. I have to give myself something.
That’s really how you mother yourself. I always joke with people and say that I raised myself and this is how I do it. I just keep going no matter how much of a shit hole I’m in. I try to romanticize the little things like red wine and the way the sun shines on my plants. I try to feed myself good food. I try make my space pleasant and tidy so that way even when I can’t go anywhere I can enjoy myself. I try to dress myself up even if I’m just going to the store. Anyways what I’m trying to say is the little things you do for yourself matter. In the bad times those might be all you have.
So maybe this article isn’t what you were expecting to read today but this is what I felt needed to be said. Spiritual content creators make their lives look so weirdly perfect. They sell this lifestyle of meditation, beautiful crystals, travel, money, and ease. As a witch with the power of alchemizing darkness to light I call bullshit. I think that what really matters to spiritual development isn’t having an instagram life or what aesthetic matcha you’re drinking this morning but how you handle yourself at your worst. Can you accept and love the worst version of yourself?
That’s what it really means to mother yourself. Mothers who love their children love all versions of them from infant, to terrible twos, terrible teens, and as adults. No matter what they do a mother’s love never falters. (Obviously some people don’t have moms but you get what I’m saying).
So ask yourself, can you accept the worst version of yourself. Can you integrate this shadow and bring them to the light. This is the highest form of self love and also the hardest thing to do. As someone who can confidently say yes to that question I can attest to the fact that the journey is long and messy and not linear. It’s not carrying a spell bag and magically being fixed. It’s crying on your floor to meditation, it’s being broke while you find your calling. The true development comes in the dark times. So no matter where you are on this trip we call life, how are you going to mother yourself today?